This weekend I did things I wish I hadn’t done. I said things that didn’t glorify God and honestly didn’t shine Jesus in the way I had hoped.
I was plagued with this verse:
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. […] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have desires to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me” – Romans 7:15, 18-20
This weekend I knew that I needed God to fill me for I was so extremely drained—dangerous drained. But, instead of seeking the Lord to comfort me—I sought other things, other people. I sought something other than God.
Yes, EARNESTLY I seek the Lord.
My ENTIRE BEING LONGS for Him. Longs to serve Him. Longs to glorify Him.
But I am a human and my body also longs things that are not of God. It does. And this weekend, instead of turning to the comfort that can ONLY be found in God, I turned to past distraction and hurts. Instead of turning IMMEDIATELY to God, I turned to comforts of this world.
Just as the verse in Romans says, I do not understand why I do the things I hate to do. I really really don’t. I DESIRE to please the Lord. I desire Him with my ENTIRE heart. I desire Him but I have this wretched evil within me that wants everything but God. It desires to find satisfaction on this earth instead of with God. I looked for this fleshly realm to satisfy me instead of turning to God who makes me “fully satisfied”.
I sinned against God. I created idols oh so very quickly in my life. I used things other than God to hide and cover my brokenness.
It was the Holy Spirit moving within me that helped me come to the Lord and repent for me sins—repent for abandoning my first love. It was coming to Him that I asked Him to clean me of whatever was trying to defile me and give me a willing spirit to sustain me (Psalm 51:10).
It was in this that the true desires of my heart were shown while I was reading Psalm 63:
“YOU, God, are MY God,
EARNESTLY I seek you;
I THIRST for you,
my WHOLE BEING longs for you,
In a dry and parched land
Where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and behold your power and your glory.
BECAUSE Your Love is BETTER than life,
my lips WILL glorify you.
I WILL praise you as long as I live,
And IN YOUR NAME I will lift up my hands.
I WILL be FULLY satisfied as with the RICHEST of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” – psalm 63:1-5 (emphasis added)
THIS is the longing that I have. THIS is the pure and righteous desire of my heart. This is what my sin tempts me to fill with things of the world. The sin that reigns in my body, in all our our bodies, is that little whisper that tells you that this world and the things in it will comfort you and I better than God can. It is that whisper that is the leader for the path of death and destruction. It’s out choice whether we will follow it down that road of the road to life.
So praise be to God that it is THROUGH this conviction and heart monitoring that I am able to bring my BROKEN and WEARY self to God and KNOW that He LOVES me for ALL of my mistakes, my pain, my sin—He LOVES me enough to DIE FOR ME!! And He charges me to choose Him instead of the way that is leading me to DEATH and DESTRUCTION.
He challenges me to choose Him for He is THE way, THE truth, and THE life.
Run to Him friends.
He wants your brokenness.
He wants YOU.